Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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