I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
