I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
