my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
