the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
