I need to stop coming to work sober
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Everyone says I win the strip club
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
