My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Randomize
