Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
