y did u give ur computer a hand job?
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
