Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Randomize
