it was like his penis was on wheels.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
