i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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