It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
