I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
