Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
