I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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