she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
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