I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
