I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Randomize
