It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Vodka?
Forever.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
