Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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