Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
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