Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Randomize
