Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
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