the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Randomize
