Please, let me fuck your mom
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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