Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
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