Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Randomize
