Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
