Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
