We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
