i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
