I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize
