if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
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