The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
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