Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.�
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Randomize
