I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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