do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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