My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
