So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
