We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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