my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
