ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Randomize
