Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
