he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
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