Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
