I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Randomize
