No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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