i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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