I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Randomize
